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  • Writer's pictureRim

Wishing for more fulfilling relationships? Here's how (it's not what you think!)

Updated: Mar 1, 2023

For it all starts with you! Yes, really, it’s that simple!

I used to feverishly read all sorts of books and content on how to meet the right person for me, how to develop healthy and fulfilling relationships, how to be a great date, and so on…

Yeah, there’s a lot of great tips out there, and there’s a time and place for that, but after many tears and heartaches I found out that it’s useless if you don’t learn to build a healthy relationship with yourself first.

How can we expect others to give us what we’re not taking the time and energy to give ourself? However you want others to give you and to make you feel, you must learn to give it to yourself first.

Difficult emotions used to drive me crazy!

I would ruminate on my expectations of others and disappointments by others again and again.

I would put the responsibility of my emotional well-being on them!

Pushing away the discomfort of my difficult emotions.

And… I kept being surprised that I was attracting similar dynamics.

A big big big game changer for me was when I started to develop a loving relationship with myself.

Switching from Inner Critic to Inner Loving as a default mode changed my life. It is like the roots of a tree, healthily planted into the ground, and nourished by a fertile soil.

From this self-love, everything else will grow and flow through you. I know it sounds cliché, but love is truly the biggest force in the world.

Yes, love has this magical power, and as I write this, I can't help but smile at the irony of me preaching this concept. I used to be the cynical and sarcastic teenager who didn't believe in love.

It took me many, many years and a lot of heartache to realise that this cynicism was in fact a way to keep myself small. To beat myself up, even before others could criticize me. To build walls around my heart.

I had forgotten my inner child, little Rim, who was in my heart, aching and hurting from my disregard. I was inflicting her what I was reproaching others to inflict me.

  • Reproaching her to be too sensitive.

  • Reproaching her to be too emotional.

  • Numbing my emotions with binge eating and/or binge drinking.

  • Trying to compensate my perceived shortcomings (which were what others around me had shamed me for) by overworking and constantly trying to learn new skills.

  • Ignoring my needs and instead catering to others' needs.

  • Believing that other peoples' emotions were my responsibilities, and that I was always the faulty one, and the reason why people were not happy.

I was addicted to being perpetually disappointed. I was addicted to being a victim.

Until I couldn’t take it anymore. From small daily heartbreaks to huge, big, shattering heartbreaks, I finally got exhausted to be “the victim”. My past doesn't define me! I no longer want to play the blame game!

I put my hands on my heart and promised myself I would never let myself down again. I vowed to learn how to welcome my emotions and how to take responsibility for how I feel everyday.

Learning how to treat my inner child with the same love, tenderness and care that you would your child, or any sensitive kid, completely changed everything.

It starts with forgiving yourself and having compassion for yourself on the days you’ve not being kind to yourself or the days things don't work the way you'd hope.

It can also look like not ghosting myself when friends or a potential date, or even clients ghost me: in the past, I'd have complained and complained and ask myself "why? what did I do to deserve that? Why do I always screw up?"

Now, I know that I didn't do anything, and that I have nothing to prove. When someone ghosts me, I double down on self-care: dancing, creating, playing, journaling, singing, and I make sure I take the time to process my emotions. Without rushing them, without judging them.

It doesn’t mean I’m not feeling disappointed or sad anymore. But when I do, I no longer spend hours blaming the other person and trying to guess why they did this or why they said that. And how bad they’re making me feel.

I no longer make it mean anything about me.

I've adapted this soothing self-love practice that I learned from one of my mentors, Mark Wollynn, and it's really powerful.

Try this practice everyday and/or whenever you need soothing and/or to connect to your heart.

My dear HSP, please please please, learn to accept, welcome, care for and love your sensitivity. And others around you will too. At least, those who matter.

Loving yourself gives you wings my friend.

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